Three years

It has now been three years since I lost my little one. Back then I thought life would never go on. I felt shattered inside. It has been a long journey, a long, long road to where I am at now.  I felt like my world stopped that day, I use to lay in my bed at night and cry for hours until I became sick before sleep would come. The first few months even though you know it's completely impossible you pray and beg for them to just come back and for it all to be a tragic nightmare that you can wake up from. I use to wake up and run to find her, use to go to take her out of her carseat before leaving the car, then you realize what you've done and that shes not going to be there, it shatters your heart all over again. What a difference three years makes. When I think of Libs now it's not the achy I just can't go on because I miss you too much feeling but a wow I was extremely blessed to make so many happy memories with you feeling. I was lost at first, I went from being a busy mommy, every 2 hour medications, every 2 hour feedings, appt. after appt., sleeping 1 hr a night on a hospital couch for over a year, dedicating every minute of my life to making sure she felt safe, loved and happy. Then she was gone and there was just "me", no longer mommy, protector, nurturer, hope bringer, smile maker. I loved every minute of being in that role and I felt I completely lost myself. I didn't "heal" because really there is just no "getting over" the loss of a child, but I learned to cope, accepted my feelings and grief and I took as many steps forward as I could even if they were tiny and I got to the point of not feeling empty anymore. I do not weep on February 20th, I do not scar that day with pain, I lift that day up as a celebration of who she was and her journey into the eternal afterlife.

Ily Liberty and I miss the little things like your constant singing and twirling, standing in front of the washer and dryer for over an hour with you because you never wanted to lose sight of your blankia as it was being washed, reading baby goofy catches a fish a hundred times in row because you asked and your face lighting up with excitement over the same part every single time, arguing with you about if deer and goats are the same thing lol, sharing french fries, walking around the store way, way longer than we ever needed to because you thought the shopping carts were the best thing on earth, watching you drag sticks on the ground during walks because you loved the scraping noise and then you being annoyed that your stick had somehow gotten shorter, sneaking you down to the hospital cafeteria every night and letting you get flowers, I miss you telling me "good job" because you'd try to mimic the animated voice I had always said it to you in and yours would come out so cute and funny, i say it your way now without even thinking and I smile every time, I miss you coming up and putting your little face against my lips and then asking for a "snuggle bubble" and giggling with anticipation of some very big hugs, kisses, and tickling, sometimes you couldnt even finish asking because your excitement would bubble over into full laughter. I miss you laying your head in my lap and looking up at me with adoration and the feeling that I felt that I couldn't be more loved than in that moment. You gave me a lot of memories to hold onto and get me through these times without you and I will never forget you or our unbreakable bond.